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the last time before the next time

by thanks for coming

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iimber
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iimber each album takes my whole heart. i could never get sick of your singing, rachel. thank you. Favorite track: here, as in not back then, when we knew each other and i could have been nicer.
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1.
to be tender 04:02
stay in the dark, it’s darker out there, stay in the dark, it’s darker in here, stay in the dark, stay in the dark this would be comforting if i could put my finger on it this could be what i need if i accepted that it was chronic but here i am wondering if i’ve ever known what i really wanted other than suffering, at least my guilt is always honest that i promise but who believes a boy who lives in fable i’m unable to evade my past evasions and celebrations and worst of all all my temptations i am tempted to lose my temper just to feel something like centered i surrender to be tender stay in the dark, it’s darker out there, stay in the dark, it’s darker in here this would be promising if we could trust the transformation we could be processing if we detected the simulation instead it’s toppling because they demand a tribulation looking to profiting as if false gods can grant salvation a desecration we’ve got everybody on the same side they don’t realize that we’re losing they’re refusing instead choosing to root against the home team bursted pipe dreams in the basement and blood out on the pavement out of patience, a shortchanged nation but who believes a boy who lives in fable i’m unable to evade my past evasions and celebrations and worst of all all my temptations i am tempted to lose my temper just to feel something like centered i surrender to be tender stay in the dark, it’s darker out there, stay in the dark, it’s darker in here, stay in the dark, stay in the dark
2.
i left the party early i didn’t even go home my keys were in my pockets all i did was run the streets were undefeated another winning season my keys were in my pockets a new day had begun the air outside was humid i wondered how to breathe my keys were in my pockets the past was almost done i thought about calling but couldn’t find the number my keys were in my pockets how do you know someone i left the party early i didn’t even go home my keys were in my pockets all i did was run i went to your apartment you didn’t even live there my keys were in my pockets i noticed the world spun
3.
hang me up like a picture frame i want to hold something inside and my back is to the wall i’m hung up on what’s been left behind but i don’t care anymore i’m not here to be adored no I’m not here to be adored no i’m not here to be adored no i’m not yours my greatest love was limerence i could never take that risk cross my heart and hope to miss sing a song that don’t mean shit walk around and take a hint and i don’t care anymore i’m not here to be adored no i’m not here to be adored no i’m not here to be adored no i’m not yours
4.
in a monster’s stomach i cried i didn’t ask for much but tears from my own eyes and you were on the defensive claiming casualties of theirs didn’t broadcast in your head but i’ve seen my hands stained red yes my body’s bled and oh how it has wept but i’ve seen my hands stained red yes my body’s bled and oh how it has wept much less than the others, i’d give my life for another inch closer to a world more than this i see the way you build your house built from inside out waiting to be burnt down and i want so desperately to be a fireplace or something else to hold in all the heat but i’ve seen my hands stained red yes my body’s bled and oh how it has wept but i’ve seen my hands stained red yes my body’s bled and oh how it has wept much less than the others, i’d give my life for another inch closer to a world more than this but i’ve seen your hands stained red yes your body’s bled and oh how it has wept but i’ve seen my hands stained red yes my body’s bled and oh how it has wept
5.
never occurred to me that here i stand i’m so sorry i was innocent but a common crook playing war to feel understood and you could’ve known better, eighteen is all stormy weather here we are so much silence later, do you hate me or are we strangers i chose to crash every single time and i left you there with a peace of mind i chose to crash every single time if you called my name i didn’t hear it right i chose to crash every single time it’s easier when there’s no goodbye i chose to crash every single time but i’m walking back to apologize others have called me sweet but we know the truth and it’s hard to keep i left my heart in a sentence scrawled on a page i lost on a phone call and you could’ve known better, i was eighteen and under pressure now that i am the bad guy, do you recall the look in my eyes i chose to crash every single time cuz i was scared of what i would find i chose to crash every single time i got too close to crossing the line i chose to crash every single time yes i wanted to leave it behind i chose to crash every single time didn’t think about you as the years went by i chose to crash every single time and i left you there with a peace of mind i chose to crash every single time if you called my name i didn’t hear it right i chose to crash every single time it’s easier when there’s no goodbye i chose to crash every single time but i’m walking back to apologize
6.
became a heretic, it’s sacred to get sick and see it so clearly i merely believed it, in greenness, the trap of adolescence breaking in innocent and taking it for what it is not i’m caught in between what i’ve been told and what’s been shown in the show we call every single day into the next give it a rest, at least a heart, another test to tear apart i hope that they’re warmer or colder just harmless beholders everything’s expanding except our understanding and i’m having dreams against the current i’m currently urgently begging for an answer, a solution, restitution, to compose a constitution of character, clinging onto a conviction, posterity for the poster child of good will but until i can say more with only one word, the truth is so refracted, our meaning abstracted we can always do it later it’s not like i’m any braver we can always do it later it’s not like i’m any braver we will always be neighbors fated to murder our maker
7.
selfishly 02:34
here i am taking off my shirt just to put another one on i do the same thing with the shape of my mouth can you see what i’m talking about nothing is good enough i am what i am, what am i, what could i become does anyone else have questions yes, can you please shut the fuck up i would like to be the whole wide world to myself to everybody but the whole wide world is everybody else to myself like it ought to be there i go once again talking out loud like i’ve got something to say it echos straight back right into my head it’s got me thinking the same goddamn things i could never be good enough it’s a myth, it’s a legend, it’s flying for the sun and falling down into an outcome even atlas couldn’t hold us up i would like to be the whole wide world to myself to everybody but the whole wide world is everybody else to myself like it ought to be i would like to be the whole wide world but the whole wide world just looks back at me
8.
when there’s nothing left to stock the shelves i’ll buy you a way out far away from where you came from and where i still hang around if i could i’d build you a house with yellow walls but we would drown and nothing will grow in the garden when the garden knows that there’s nothing above the ground i hope you find a world so wonderful you forget about the way the world is spinning out of control and pulling us all down to the bottom with all the other rotten microcosms when they’re selling us our air and we cannot afford to laugh i will hold my breath so i can hear your spirit echo back if i could i would react but they’ll say our joy is an attack and everything good we could have had will be a discounted artifact i hoped to find a world so wonderful we forgot that they tried to spin the world out of control until we all crashed to the bottom with all the other rotten microcosms
9.
excuse my outburst i only stumbled because my hands and head and feet were tied together one knot after the other does rage find what it wants to become see the sun shines ever so softly here i am yet another fixture oh yes i put my heart in there oh yes i put my heart in there and suddenly all there was was dust i thought i could somehow save enough all the honest soldiers rust if they say they must, they must i’m hoping that my head is just tilted to the side to catch the morning when everything good calls out to itself the sound of it could rattle your bones i’m shaking and it’s making me feel quite cold there once was a lesson but i didn’t learn it oh yes i put my heart in there oh yes i put my heart in there and you wash your hands so so clean i wonder what it is you mean you wash your hands so clean i get nervous trying to be oh yes i put my heart in there oh yes i put my heart in there
10.
on my own 01:57
i’m so good here on my own so why did i yell at you over the phone why do i yell at you at all the wounds are open and they’re still raw you make me feel just like a tool something you mastered how to use that makes your spine stand straight and tall the wounds are open and they’re still raw so tell me how come i gave you my life before i even knew what i would find you knew the whole time what lay ahead you’ve only ever had to not be dead so tell me how come i gave you my life before it was ever even mine you had yours since you were my age i watched mine try to grow in a cage i’m so good here on my own i know more now than i’ve ever known and i’ve never held it against you i just hold it against myself still i’m so good here on my own i know more now than i’ve ever known and i’ve never held it against you i just hold it against myself still

about

april 2020 to july 2020

credits

released August 1, 2020

mastered by nate amos

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thanks for coming Brooklyn, New York

thanks! (they/them)

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