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rachel jr.

by thanks for coming

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1.
out on the freeway driving hiding til the good day dawns gone when i close my eyelids i land on another island i couldn’t tell you what the world wasn’t meant for the two of us you ask me where i’m at and i say i’ve been getting mad the cows can’t come home if they only learned to roam all bent out of my shape a state of simpler conversation done with the city life i’d like to be a country wife why do the birds fly west they’re just like us they’ll wind up dead where do you want to go i’d go with you to say hello the man who paints the roads knows no one ever thinks of him i couldn’t tell you what the world wasn’t meant for the two us you ask me where i’m at and i say i’ve been getting mad i’ve been getting up to i’ve been getting up to i’ve been getting up too late
2.
Dear Rachel 02:20
just another day on the verge just another day on the verge submerge my heart i don’t want it now today i was sitting at the pier waiting for the exact time of a reservation i remember everything but not the images only the residuals everything is okay and the passage of time is less of a slice out of my flesh than before i feel so connected to my life but it wasn't me, i wasn't there, i wasn't conscious there is this deeply pained version of myself waiting for any open opportunity to hop over the rails and into terminal danger i always want to run i do not know towards what but i know it's away from myself i wasted so many nights thinking "this one might be the one" every night passed and none of them were the hopes i had placed on them the last two weeks of my life were like entering and exiting the rabbit hole of course i feel lost, there's nothing else i've ever been tell me am i fucking up in the right way? i don’t think anyone can feel my gaze
3.
Hard Drive 02:18
burnt out i can’t even light a cigarette now cuz i’m scared i’ll lose my voice though i don’t even like to use it it’s just getting too expensive i’m too cheap to double check my pulse growing up looks like fiction a depiction of an image pixelated to perfection i’m not real i’m a silhouette i bet a specter no one ever writes me letters in the pocket of my coat you wrote me out of another chapter how’s it living in the after? i miss the certainty of life godspeed the sleepless nights i’m a storage device i’m a storage device so do you believe in saving or in magnets and their laws so do you believe in saving i’m an obstruction to the cause i’m a storage device i’m a storage device i’m a storage device i’m a storage device
4.
is it raining? or am i crying? do you miss me? or are you lying? every every every every every single time i the plane takes off and i go home
5.
i have to find my calling card i don’t why i don’t respond i saw you on the edge of next year you looked like you didn’t want me here you don’t even breathe, you’re breathless you don’t even breathe, you’re breathless stay strange to me, i’m lonely i’m lonely stay strange to me, i’m lonely i’m lonely
6.
Singular 03:43
going 90 down the freeway and i don't think i could ever be your friend they're everything that you've never been just another morning all wrapped up in someone else when all i really wanted was to find me in myself there i am oh there i was just another body just another story that i never want to tell so tell me it's been 3 weeks just so i know you know and i'll say i've been busy and i'm sorry i have to let you go going 90 down the freeway the earth alone just makes me wanna cry yeah she's the only place i'd ever die just another weekend all wrapped up in someone else when all i really wanted was to find me in myself so i manufacture something to serve my basic needs, a reminder that all i’ll ever be is unfamiliar cells so tell me it's been two years just so i know you know and i'll say i've been busy and i'm sorry i had to let you go going 90 down the freeway
7.
read me like a subtitle let’s see how far this thing can go i’m standing still like the pacific it’s all downhill until i pivot give it more than just a day spent thirty six hours awake standing up like i was joking coping, coughing, smoking i don’t think i’ve been this broken cracked wide open and what do you know i’m hollow there’s always bigger pills to swallow they’re following me i can’t see what they see i can only plead with my body i’m nobody how come nobody confesses the abstract of my being the fact that i can’t stop from leaving or coming back to where i was because i love the shape of circles because i love the weight of the world because i love the way that you were someone else and not myself and not myself i’m not myself
8.
Destroy Me 01:58
when does addiction start it’s still raining in your car took a pill took it to heart yeah it’s lonelier where you are won’t you give me space won’t you make space for me won’t you give me space won’t you make space for me won’t you give me space won’t you make space for me won’t you take my place break through and destroy me i don’t wanna i don’t wanna i don’t wanna sweat i don’t wanna i don’t wanna i don’t wanna sweat i don’t wanna i don’t wanna i don’t wanna sweat i don’t wanna i don’t wanna work myself to death
9.
My Name 03:07
call me when you're frustrated instead of my name date me just for july one whole year of pouring rain i can't stand to lose it use me baby or i'm useless i'm so tired of feeling stupid teach me something i'm so clueless i want to love until i’m cut in half do you want me back? you wanted me when you were feeling sad i want to love until i’m cut in half do you hate me now? you wanted me when you were feeling down call me when you’re hung up i can’t help but i can hurt miss me when it’s august but you promised someone else i can’t stand to lose it use me baby or i'm useless just another loser use me baby you’re a user i want to love until i’m cut in half do you want me back? you wanted me when you were feeling sad i want to love until i’m cut in half do you hate me now? you wanted me when you were feeling down i can't stand to lose it use me baby or i'm useless i can't stand to lose it use me baby or i'm useless i want to love until i’m cut in half do you want me back? you wanted me when you were feeling sad i want to love until i’m cut in half do you hate me now? you wanted me when you were feeling down i want to love until i’m cut in half do you want me back? you wanted me when you were feeling sad i want to love until i’m cut in half do you hate me now? you wanted me when you were feeling down i can't stand to lose it use me baby or i'm useless i can't stand to lose it use me baby or i'm useless
10.
i know that everybody loves you i know that everybody loves you they all want a piece of your flesh to watch your lungs control your breath to pull your teeth and kiss your lips how can you live when it’s like this i know that everybody loves you i know that everybody loves to drink the poison from your liver blow cold air to make you shiver hold your hands until they’re dust how can you live this isn’t love do you want them to consume you to turn you into something they can disassemble i just want to know you tremble i just want your eyes in focus i just want you to notice no i don’t want a goddamn thing what would you want if you were me do you want them to consume you to turn you into something they can disassemble i just want to know you tremble i just want to know you tremble i just want to know you tremble i just want to know you
11.
i left the party early i didn’t even go home my keys were in my pockets all i did was run the streets were undefeated another winning season my keys were in my pockets a new day had begun the air outside was humid i wondered how to breathe my keys were in my pockets the past was almost done i thought about calling but couldn’t find the number my keys were in my pockets how do you know someone i left the party early i didn’t even go home my keys were in my pockets all i did was run i went to your apartment you didn’t even live there my keys were in my pockets i noticed the world spun
12.
Torch Song 03:55
saw you in the bigger picture thought by now we’d have it figured out go figure i know less than i did last year i know less than when i got here cigarettes were 7.50 at the deli i was eighteen handing over my fake id i went walking past the past used to scare me there’s me all those years ago i go back to where i went the time that i spent the people that i used to know i’m a stranger in a stranger city that much hasn’t changed it’s busy what a pity it’s all for the sold out show you just want to stay out late to prove you’re right every night has its day and tonight is the night you say funny to think the things that rolled off my tongue and onto the concrete yeah nothing was concrete but nothing was so sweet as a chance to fuck up a dance in the dark getting too drunk falling in love with someone so lost already a loss i take a tally and add up the cost i’m in debt to the world no i’m not your girl i just want to stay the same to prove i’m wrong there’s nothing left to dwell on if you always knew it wasn’t a torch song

credits

released January 9, 2022

written and performed by Rachel Brown
live drums on tracks 3, 5, 7, 9, and 11 by Nate Amos
mixed and mastered by Nate Amos
photos taken by Felix Walworth

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thanks for coming Brooklyn, New York

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