nosebleeds always

by thanks for coming

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1.
let’s keep in mind things like this happen all the time i don’t see a reason to state the plan to change the season we’re professionals with suits and ties and broken bones i won’t say it irks me to see that you’re playing dirty call off all the shots, i drive my car to the parking lot can’t see the signs, turn around and take the night this isn’t trying to fail failing to try i miss my— i miss the details just step out of town, it’s enough to find the ground you don’t have to say it, we bought the scale to weigh it waves won’t wash away the tops of peaks, the light of day but at least they try, someone you wish i was like don’t hold the phone it’s in the past, it’s all alone buried under things we said, or worse the things we meant this isn’t what i really wanted want it to end i miss when— i missed it again take the last life vest i’ll wind up like the rest but it’s what i want to untangle all the knots when you cross the line do not look behind i’ll be a skeleton growing smaller with the distance
2.
you look like someone who could ruin my life i would let you if you wanted to waste your time you look like someone who could win in a fight i would let you if that was the storyline you look like someone who could connect the dots i would let you if you wanted a cheap shot you look like someone who could hear my thoughts i would let you if you promised to take off you look like someone who could let it go i would let you if you were happy on your own you look like someone who could let it go i would let you if you were happy on your own you look like someone who could change my mind i would let you if you told me it was a sign you look like someone who could ruin my life i would let you if you wanted to waste your time
3.
i feel so cheaply so discreetly that i had no idea i speak so freely words with meaning as if you’ll overhear no one will mention heavy first impressions the focus of attention when there’s an obvious progression you play too honest it’s ironic only if we don’t explain you wait the longest like you promised while history was exchanged no one can question if there’s nothing in suspension restricted self-expression enough weight to break the tension
4.
everybody’s out to get me i’ve seen them lurking around i wish you’d just say something even just to let me down i don’t believe maybe it’s me or maybe it’s just who i’m becoming it’s funny i’m lonely looks the numbers won i can feel them read my mind it’s hard enough to write the pages hold it back deep inside so no one else will be disappointed i don’t believe i don’t believe in me or maybe i don’t believe in who i’m becoming it’s funny i’d agree that it always was
5.
half empty 2 01:29
the car drives off in the distance i wash my hands in the sink they watch the clouds become planets in the time it takes to blink the water leaks out from the bottom of my cup it’s always half empty even when i fill it up the tree grows up when it wants to it’s incapable of love they say the waves never even move you float in the lake for a month the water leaks out from the bottom of my cup it’s always half empty even when i fill it up the water leaks out from the bottom of my cup it’s always half empty even when i fill it up
6.
obituary 03:02
remember me in death like you remembered me in life almost not at all except a random tuesday night while you were cooking dinner and watching something light and just for second, for a brief moment in time i suddenly existed in the clutter of your mind then i was gone like the day into the night remember me in death like you remembered me in life a name with a face just for you to classify as someone you had known or someone you passed by a couple of characteristics that fit the paradigm but at least it’s nice to know i had been defined just to be abandoned in the past and left behind there’s nowhere to go from here there’s nowhere to go there’s nowhere to go from here there’s nowhere to go (everywhere i’ve been i’ve tried to leave i’ll try again just to see) except the unknown but i just don’t know remember me in death like you remembered me in life a collection of the people i have loved all intertwined a reflection of your faults you refuse to recognize words left unsaid but have always been implied remember me in death like you remembered me in life one day i was born and one day i will have died
7.
wish i could believe it wish i felt needed wish i took the time to find my place in line should have watered the plant, it’s falling down on itself should have told it that it could be anything it wanted wish we talked like friends wish things didn’t end wish i understood how to do the things i should should have watered the plant, it’s falling down on itself should have told it that it could be anything it wanted as long as its roots are in the ground
8.
monster 02:40
can i say i’m broken hearted if i’ve got a bloody fist? you’ve got the scars to prove it you can tell me i’m selfish can i say that i’m terrified if i’m the monster this time? you’ve got it in your mind don’t tell me i already know why i’ve become the missing summer sun gone for months turning into no one can i tell you how i’m feeling? too much but at least i’m dealing i don’t want to feel a damn thing i want to know where i’m standing i’ve become the missing summer sun gone for months turning into no one
9.
i want to stay inside of your body like the piece of gum you swallowed when you were eight i want to stay inside of your body like the piece of gum you swallowed when you were eight i want to stay inside of your body like the piece of gum you swallowed when you were eight i want to stay inside of your body like the piece of gum you swallowed when you were eight years old and i was not myself i was something else a reason to be a reason unreasonable i want to be outside of your body like an abandoned bus stop in the middle of the night i want to be outside of your body like an abandoned bus stop in the middle of the night i want to be outside of your body like an abandoned bus stop in the middle of the night i want to be outside of your body like an abandoned bus stop in the middle of the night in the cold when you were not yourself you were somewhere else on your way back on your way back you know your way back home the people i love don’t hate me enough the people i love don’t hate me enough the people i love don’t hate me enough the people i love don’t hate me enough the people i love don’t hate me enough the people i love don’t hate me enough the people i love don’t hate me enough the people i love don’t hate me enough
10.
thank god 03:07
all i can say is thank god i was never born all i can do is hope to god it’s not my turn i don’t want to die, i don’t want to die, i don’t want to die i’ve seen the sun so clean with nothing to deny with nothing to reply, with nothing to get by if it hurts to love who made it up who made it up if it hurts to love why is it us why is it us if it hurts to love if it hurts to love all i can say is thank god i was never born all i can do is hope to god i’m not the storm i want to feel the heat, want to feel the heat, want to feel the heat i’ve heard the moon say words that no one can repeat that no one wants to speak, that no one wants to keep if it hurts to live who would want this who would want this if it hurts to live let’s just forget let’s just forget if it hurts to live if it hurts to live all i can say is thank god i was never born not in this life, not in the next time or before
11.
drowning 03:04
under the ocean there’s a city unnamed i’ve been there before i’ll be there again under the ocean nobody cares about where you’re going or where you’ve been under the ocean i heard my very own name for the first time i haven’t heard it again under the ocean everything’s lost everyone sinks when you ask how they’ve been if only i could breathe underwater
12.
when my heart pumps i don’t feel it i just feel dead that’s for sure so what if i’m a coward at least i’m never gonna get hurt i stay as cold as i can can’t come closer, i’ll get colder maybe i’ll move to tacoma or oklahoma and start over just a fading face in a placid place where the sun sets everyday when my names called i can’t hear it can’t distinguish where to go who cares if i’m a no show i don’t have to walk home alone i’m so scared of silence something sinking in my skin maybe i’ll take break from muscle aches and die again just a fading face in a placid place where the sun sets everyday
13.
am i sand to you? a way to pass the time just an observation, conversation i am having with the center of the universe they don’t care if i’m for the birds or what i’m worth and what i’m not all the things i forgot while listening to interesting information in the station i was waiting for creation of transportation to get to where i’m going i was hoping you could show me i am becoming that which i am becoming can anybody hear me? is anybody there? is anybody listening? does anybody care?
14.
i don’t want to be around when i finally find myself for the first time never seem to recognize the things i lose and then i find when they hurt me and make me feel things i’d rather forget myself completely i don’t want to bleed my blood and know the things that make me up i wish i was empty you could fill me up with doubt shove me in and push me out i would mind it to know i’m useless at least i wasn’t wrong again take a long drive in the car, i’m sure it’s safe take a long drive in the car, you’ll win the race when you win, i’ll be at home watching tv and i won’t clap cuz i was rooting for the other team you know i mean i never drove at the right speed
15.
second song 03:22
i wonder how you feel tonight as you’re alone, or maybe you’re not, i wouldn’t know you should probably be asleep, or at least pretend to try, i thought that you forgot all about me it’s good to know we’re good, after all that’s said and done, it’s nice to hear the words as late as they are i will always meet you there even in the dark i will always meet you there even when it’s not when it’s not i know just what you think, i’m hard to keep afloat but i’m always walking towards the water you always speak the truth except when i’m around, i said i understand but i’m just like you it’s good to hear your voice from the other side, although you don’t say anything i will always meet you there even in the dark i will always meet you there even when it’s not when it’s not it’s good to know that we can always have the past and any time you want i’ll go right back
16.
you could be the truth if you tried i promise i would notice saw it once in the way that you walked and it’s been predicted we’ll never know we’ll never know we’ll never know what we know we’ll never know we’ll never know we’ll never know what we don’t we might be the means to an end no one has to say it we can lay right down on the lawn i’ll pretend it’s unscripted you’ll never know you’ll never know you’ll never know what i know you’ll never know you’ll never know you’ll never know what you don’t
17.
can you still see through my eyes? everything that lives and dies don’t look when i look in the mirror no one stays here no one stays here someday i’ll find a door that leads to an endless shore where no one can trace my steps on my way back west can you feel the cold around us it drains me then fills me back up how can the sun stay up there i am nowhere i am nowhere someday i’ll find a crack that leads me all the way back where no one heard my name or of all of my mistakes someday i’ll find a way so no one can see my face
18.
blur 02:49
i can’t catch your shape speeding by on the other train you’re a blur i can’t take anywhere i go i stay hold the flame so you get burned all the clocks on the wall have turned and they’re saying they got hurt and won’t tell me how time works i can’t tell a lie except for all those other times but at least i don’t deny the mess is made it’s out inside i can’t take defeat knowing that the sun knows me you have me on repeat when you want it’s hard to see when you want it’s hard to be hold the flame so you get burned all the clocks on the wall have turned and they’re saying they got hurt and won’t tell me how time works not a word
19.
don’t you feel like you’re in over your head? i do, and i take another breath just to stand here a little longer i long for back then i didn’t think how the years extend until we’re only souvenirs from when our hearts were still separate i’m desperate to find something deep inside myself that might lead me to become something else i’d like to stand here a little longer if you want to but i can’t live like this anymore under boxes, behind doors inside pockets, within drawers nothing like it was before but i can’t live like this anymore under boxes, behind doors inside pockets within drawers nothing like it was before don’t you feel like you’re in over your head? i do and i want to breathe again just to know that i can stand on my own don’t you feel like you’re in over your head? i do and i want to breathe again just to know that i can stand on my own
20.
9:45 am 03:13
i want to know you i don’t want you to know me too i want to know you i don’t want you to know me too everybody says that i’m fine everyday i feel like i’m losing my mind blame the position of planets but it turns out it was my decision who let me make my choice can’t read the background noise i want to know me i want to know the things i’ve seen i want to know me i want to know the things i’ve seen please keep me around for awhile i don’t know where else to go i don’t want to let you down i’ll stay for as long as i can for as long i can i don’t know how long it’s been i’d like to know that you won’t ever know me back i’d like to know that you won’t ever know me back
21.
i know i'm insane cuz you don't feel the same way i know i'm insane cuz you don't feel the same way i know i'm insane cuz you don't feel the same way i know i'm insane cuz you don't feel the same way i know all the facts, i forget them fast i forget the fix, i break it back i beg to break, at least to know i know i've made it hard too, it's hard to show (sirens)
22.
that way 03:56
tried to let you go to the wind where you belong tried to let you go to the wind where you belong did you feel me did you feel me holding on? did you feel me did you feel me holding on? got my leg chained to a park bench in the city so when i got home i didn’t even recognize the light when it hit me oh how things have changed looks like you’ve been running to keep it that way someday someday you’ll understand the things i say tried to let you go to the wind where you belong tried to let you go to the wind where you belong did you feel me did you feel me holding on? did you feel me did you feel me holding on? i left my heart back where i gave away the way i felt the water was blue my hands were too and i didn’t know what to do with myself if you saw the broken sounds the mess i made would bring you down promise me when the curtain falls you won’t be in the crowd tried to let you go to the wind where you belong tried to let you go to the wind where you belong did you feel me did you feel me holding on? did you feel me did you feel me holding on?

about

leaving these behind in 2018, a very strange year

here's to hoping that i will be less dumb in 2019

credits

released December 28, 2018

22/40 songs written and recorded in my apartment january 2018-december 2018

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thanks for coming Brooklyn, New York

thanks! (they/them)

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