1. |
too many two's to count
04:55
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at twenty two
everything was symmetrical
the rest was hypothetical
and i missed you
and all that made you dimensional
while i was so conventional
in the formation of a structure undecided
just the remainder of two parts that collided
attempting to make noise in the shape of meaning
but all that i meant was i need you more than you need me
and i always feel you leaving
at twenty two
nightmares became miracles
an empty heart was ethereal
and i missed you
because nothing else was conceivable
it’s the only thing that’s believable
in the formation of a structure undecided
just the remainder of two parts that collided
attempting to make noise in the shape of meaning
but all that i meant was i need you more than you need me
and i always feel you leaving
and i always need a meaning
and i always seem so fleeting
and i always stop the bleeding
and i always see the ceiling
and i always know you’re grieving
and i always get the feeling
and i always feel you leaving
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2. |
10:19
04:49
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i am happy if you’re happy
you are not but we’re still laughing
clapping for the clinking cups
they’re completely drained so i fill them up
a long goodbye is what i’m after
something solid to make me matter
the streets are flatter where i am from
i’m flattered to be here at all
and every time i check the clock it’s every time, it’s never wrong
i wanted to save time to spend or save someone to spend it with
but “spending” implies ownership and “saving” implies an ounce of courage
so i close my eyes and count to ten, it’s 10:19 again and again
a description i can’t write
as it would mock the subtle style
of presence in the shakes and shatters
brilliance at my hands battered
there’s joy in knowing the coming calm
it’s okay to smile when there’s something wrong
it’s all so small, significant
the train pulls in after the wind
and every time i check the clock it’s every time, it’s never wrong
i wanted to save time to spend or save someone to spend it with
but “spending” implies ownership and “saving” implies an ounce of courage
so i close my eyes and count to ten, it’s 10:19 again and again
there’s only beauty when you’re fighting for it, endless cycles are in orbit
there’s only beauty when you’re fighting for it, endless cycles are in orbit
there’s only beauty when you’re fighting for it, endless cycles are in orbit
there’s only beauty when you’re fighting for it, floored by the feeling of the ground
can’t deny it now
and every time i check the clock it’s every time, it’s never wrong
i wanted to save time to spend or save someone to spend it with
but “spending” implies ownership and “saving” implies an ounce of courage
so i close my eyes and count to ten, it’s 10:19 again and again
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3. |
writing you, meaning me
04:20
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how can you love the object?
how can you love the dream?
how can you separate us?
when you know you are me?
i’m asking yes or no
feel like a mirror longing to be bones
i’m asking for the right
to self-contain and contextualize
how do you send a message?
how do you stack the odds?
how long can we go on like this?
how would one know they are lost?
i’m asking yes or no
feel like a mirror longing to be bones
i’m asking for the right
to self-contain and contextualize
i’m asking yes and no
do you love me or am i alone
i’m asking for the right
to withdraw and redesign
i just want to be there
but i don’t care to be in error
or unaware of how to share
scared, compared, pursuing candor
still unanswered
how can i love the object?
how can i love the dream?
how do i become nothing?
without discrepancy
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4. |
shut up seriously
03:23
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what could possibly be occurring right now if not what is already happening?
who else could i possibly be? what life could I possibly be living?
who do i think i am? am i not just the person i have been trying to become?
or the person i’ve always been? who fucking cares
i do not want to be seen, yet here i am walking into plain sight
songs that make me feel like how i’ve felt in the past
“i got your letter”
it all hurts in ways i can’t explain or even feel
things i know are there but i can only think about and never actually realize
“not”
this city is not as lonely for the first time
to miss someone and then let them go
how could i even attempt to explain myself?
i do not understand, in that it is not something i deserve
or maybe all of this is exactly what i deserve
how to let people in who are okay with losing you/never really having you to begin with
how to avoid getting hurt and hurting other people
they’re going to kill me in their heart. they all are.
i didn’t mean to love less. or love more. or love at all. but i knew exactly what i was doing
in fact it’s all moving just a little too quickly and i can’t remember if anyone even told me what stop to get off at
they’re all under construction and i have nowhere else to be
to be so cold
i could be better at communicating. of course. but all the words aren’t working
in the crook of my arm in the crook of my arm in the crook of my arm
endlessly
is this what youth looks like? this is what youth looks like
lovely little children singing i think i know just what you’re thinking
lovely little children laughing i think i know just what you’re asking
lovely little children playing i think i know just what you’re saying
lovely little children humming i think i know why we’re both running
some days are the middle of the week
and some days are the day right after the middle of the week
and some days come and go and some days never come
and some days are the best day the best day the best one
is this what fun looks like? this is what fun looks like
you are joy
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5. |
01 may 1994
04:09
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i’m afraid of something growing
in need of its own love
i can’t take you where i’m going
in need of my own love
there’s nothing but heartbreak
in a windowless room
i left the door open
hoping to find the color blue
i had an umbrella
on a cloudy day
it stayed closed shut,
tied up and it never rained
in the event
that something should happen
i want you to know
so you can tell me the story
of the event
where something transpired
but i don’t want to know
the date this expired
i’m afraid of something growing
in need of its own love
i can’t take you where i’m going
in need of my own love
there’s always someone
else to fill my shoes
i guess it’s a good thing
buying them already used
there’s nothing but heartbreak
or something parallel
to be in the wrong place
it rained but i was somewhere else
in the event
that something should happen
i want you to know
you’re written all over
and in the event
that something transpires
i don’t want to know
why it all expires
i’m afraid of something growing
in need of its own love
i can’t take you where i’m going
in need of my own love
i’m afraid of something growing
in need of its own love
i can’t take you where i’m going
in need of my own love
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6. |
effigy
03:35
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i hate my tools
the things that i use
to cut and carve and convey
or at least converge the space
as if that's something i can achieve
as if the extent thinks of me
afraid of the effect of affecting
just an egotistic tendency
in a state of unspecific whelm
i destroyed every inch of myself
just to be the one
to put the pieces back
again
picked them up to play the pawn
like i said i would all along
just to be the one
to take a bow
at the end
translucent complexion, who am i
a person of a photo you recognize
virtually apparent apparently
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7. |
rinse and repeat
04:12
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i held your hand i held it close i held your hand i held it
behind my grinning lips behind my grinning lips
i touched the spark and felt it crawl inside my heart, made itself at home
i was home at last, locks and windows, home at last
do me a favor, catch my breath
i’ll see you later, or later, or latest
i heard your voice in every sound, downtown, uptown, and back around
we went i went you went on down there slowly
i lost my way along the way we were going
just to be safe i left the rest of myself behind
please hold my hand, my hand holds
holds on to everything, and everything let’s go
keep my head up, keep my eyes shut
rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat and rinse the water off of itself
i held your voice, it sparked a flame, that no one knew would burn
it turned my life into constant puddles, the pressure doubles
do them a favor, take a breath
i breathe out behind my grinning lips
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8. |
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take off your body parts
wash them mixed in with mine
red cart to bring them back alive
i don’t want you to worry
you’re so good it’s true, you’re lovely
should have told you every morning
hold me tight for my life
soft skin close but too far
untwine after years in your yard
i don’t want you to worry
you’re so good it’s true, you’re lovely
should have told you every morning
you’re my sun and you’re my moon
you are me and i am you
but i am young and you are too
letting go of love is hard to do
i don’t want you to worry
you’re so good it’s true, you’re lovely
should have told you every morning
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9. |
contempt
03:54
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i don’t want to be in contempt anymore
but i heard a man ask “what is life without love?”
i didn’t think to give it its own name
but the question spoke and left me here all on my own
selfishly posing all of the problems
just so i can waste my evenings trying to solve them
i don’t want to want anything anymore
but i heard a man ask “what is life without love?”
i didn’t have the decency to give it back
so the size expanded, my understanding becoming slanted
exhausting the orange glow, making it obscure
forcing me to swallow the hang ups of my nature
i don’t want to be in contempt anymore
but i heard a man ask “what else are we here for?”
i didn’t know but i didn’t want to say so
instead i laughed it off and paid the price for what it costs
there’s an implication that it’s not for sale
but who am i to imply the fallacy of fairytale
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10. |
break up song #47
03:26
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i digress got feelings in my chest i don’t know what’s best for us just yet
transgressions transition into forgiveness i forgive you forgive me forget who?
who’s present now? your presence in my history
fills me up with sound, i lay there i lie there i love there
quicksand used to scare me i barely made it to eighteen
so where am i now? the midnight train only comes out
at 4 in the morning
at 4 in the morning
i admit i’m not equipped to deal with this i miss the magic and the myth, the stars are burning up
turning love into dust into empty rooms, imposters imposing what it means to be brand new
news travels fast, a travesty we clung to
until the tears had past, i laid there i lied there i loved there
everything that we have shared together, i swear i’ll cherish forever
things happened fast, the midnight train never came back
at 4 in the morning
at 4 in the morning
if it didn’t hurt you didn’t love me
if there’s pain then it meant something
if it didn’t hurt i didn’t love you
if there’s pain then it was worth going through
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11. |
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i’m lonely so phony it’s funny i’m running i’m jumping i’m jiving i’m right here i’m thriving it’s all about timing it’s nothing but climbing a mountain so tall so tall so tall it’s not like i’ll fall i fall i fall i i fall nto habits, behaviors, and fabrics to hold me when i’m when i’m when when i’m when i’m when i’m when
i’m lonely so phony it’s funny i’m running i’m jumping i’m jiving i’m right here i’m thriving it’s all about timing it’s nothing but climbing a mountain so tall so tall so tall it’s not like i’ll fall i fall i fall i fall into habits, behaviors, and fabrics to hold me when i’m when i’m when to hold me when i’m next to you again
i’ve never talked about standing straight up
i’ve never talked about standing straight up, stable, a two legged table
weigh me down weigh me down i feel faint and i feel everything at once
a monumental moment not everything recognizes its own demise not everything is an occasion did i learn enough did i feel enough did i have enough occasions if i am always missing everyone will i even notice when i am gone i write like my mother why am i not more reflective am i everything in the wrong way written words are tangible objects i wish you were here to talk people lose touch all of the time would you want to start over again there is electricity everywhere this moment can last forever you if you only count to one a stomach that consumes itself songs that make you cry to feel so separated from everything you are process that’s what this is all about how many miles are in two weeks how many miles are in two weeks?
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12. |
me, missing you
02:33
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a letter to the editor
i think you’ve read my work before
because i wrote it all for you
i said i wrote it all for you by now
and it’s only been a couple hours
or several if that’s how you count
from the first time i watched you go
for the last time
i died when i watched you walk away
the whole world ended and nothing changed
but look i’m good, i know you are too
i said i wrote it all for you
a letter to the editor
you’ll never guess what i wished for
you’ll never guess, you’ll probably kill me
but i’ll understand, completely really
if you have to see me go
i know i’m hard to get a hold of
cuz i’ve been held for far too long
but not long enough for the two of us
but what i said is what i meant
i don’t believe things like this can end
i could be fine but i don’t want to be
i’d rather feel this way eternally
a letter to the editor
i don’t know what i’m looking for
but i wrote it all for you, it turns out
i never even knew until now
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13. |
how come
04:05
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i’m gonna be
in a single circle
i have implicated all my friends
inflicted information
doubt better left unsaid
on a sunny afternoon
the socialites took their seats
the show shook the rafters
but the point stayed out of reach
commodity
i want to be constructed
but not destroyed
only self destructed
every single night
i’m reminded that i’m unknown
to know is to become
to know is to be home
half starry eyed, the other is dead inside
how come there’s meaning in everyone else
drawing attention on a page with a pencil
how come there’s meaning in everyone else
routine of sidewalks
i’m just testing my limits
looking like someone
who’s counting the digits
if it’s a game i’ll play
so eloquently muttered
the sounds of a plastic bag
in the wind losing its brother
life is what you make it
lonely or complicated
life is what you make it
lovely or apocalyptic
in a single circle
an entire stretch of time
a renovation of an era
there’s things we all leave behind
half dead inside, the other’s just amazed to be alive
how come there’s meaning in everyone else
drawing conclusions on a page with a pencil
how come there’s meaning in everyone else
i’m gonna be
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thanks for coming Brooklyn, New York
thanks! (they/them)
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