adding up

by thanks for coming

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Brendan
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Brendan thanks. happy birthday. Favorite track: shut up seriously.
Cameron
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Cameron dude this is so friggin nice Favorite track: sugar (ray of light through the curtains, you were still asleep).
-joe-
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-joe- you make really good music, I really enjoy it
/
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1.
at twenty two everything was symmetrical the rest was hypothetical and i missed you and all that made you dimensional while i was so conventional in the formation of a structure undecided just the remainder of two parts that collided attempting to make noise in the shape of meaning but all that i meant was i need you more than you need me and i always feel you leaving at twenty two nightmares became miracles an empty heart was ethereal and i missed you because nothing else was conceivable it’s the only thing that’s believable in the formation of a structure undecided just the remainder of two parts that collided attempting to make noise in the shape of meaning but all that i meant was i need you more than you need me and i always feel you leaving and i always need a meaning and i always seem so fleeting and i always stop the bleeding and i always see the ceiling and i always know you’re grieving and i always get the feeling and i always feel you leaving
2.
10:19 04:49
i am happy if you’re happy you are not but we’re still laughing clapping for the clinking cups they’re completely drained so i fill them up  a long goodbye is what i’m after something solid to make me matter the streets are flatter where i am from i’m flattered to be here at all  and every time i check the clock it’s every time, it’s never wrong i wanted to save time to spend or save someone to spend it with but “spending” implies ownership and “saving” implies an ounce of courage so i close my eyes and count to ten, it’s 10:19 again and again  a description i can’t write as it would mock the subtle style of presence in the shakes and shatters brilliance at my hands battered  there’s joy in knowing the coming calm it’s okay to smile when there’s something wrong it’s all so small, significant the train pulls in after the wind  and every time i check the clock it’s every time, it’s never wrong i wanted to save time to spend or save someone to spend it with but “spending” implies ownership and “saving” implies an ounce of courage so i close my eyes and count to ten, it’s 10:19 again and again  there’s only beauty when you’re fighting for it, endless cycles are in orbit  there’s only beauty when you’re fighting for it, endless cycles are in orbit there’s only beauty when you’re fighting for it, endless cycles are in orbit  there’s only beauty when you’re fighting for it, floored by the feeling of the ground  can’t deny it now  and every time i check the clock it’s every time, it’s never wrong i wanted to save time to spend or save someone to spend it with but “spending” implies ownership and “saving” implies an ounce of courage so i close my eyes and count to ten, it’s 10:19 again and again 
3.
how can you love the object? how can you love the dream? how can you separate us? when you know you are me? i’m asking yes or no feel like a mirror longing to be bones i’m asking for the right to self-contain and contextualize how do you send a message? how do you stack the odds? how long can we go on like this? how would one know they are lost? i’m asking yes or no feel like a mirror longing to be bones i’m asking for the right to self-contain and contextualize i’m asking yes and no do you love me or am i alone i’m asking for the right to withdraw and redesign i just want to be there but i don’t care to be in error or unaware of how to share scared, compared, pursuing candor still unanswered how can i love the object? how can i love the dream? how do i become nothing? without discrepancy
4.
what could possibly be occurring right now if not what is already happening? who else could i possibly be? what life could I possibly be living? who do i think i am? am i not just the person i have been trying to become? or the person i’ve always been? who fucking cares i do not want to be seen, yet here i am walking into plain sight songs that make me feel like how i’ve felt in the past “i got your letter” it all hurts in ways i can’t explain or even feel things i know are there but i can only think about and never actually realize “not” this city is not as lonely for the first time to miss someone and then let them go how could i even attempt to explain myself? i do not understand, in that it is not something i deserve or maybe all of this is exactly what i deserve how to let people in who are okay with losing you/never really having you to begin with how to avoid getting hurt and hurting other people they’re going to kill me in their heart. they all are. i didn’t mean to love less. or love more. or love at all. but i knew exactly what i was doing in fact it’s all moving just a little too quickly and i can’t remember if anyone even told me what stop to get off at they’re all under construction and i have nowhere else to be to be so cold i could be better at communicating. of course. but all the words aren’t working in the crook of my arm in the crook of my arm in the crook of my arm endlessly is this what youth looks like? this is what youth looks like lovely little children singing i think i know just what you’re thinking lovely little children laughing i think i know just what you’re asking lovely little children playing i think i know just what you’re saying lovely little children humming i think i know why we’re both running some days are the middle of the week and some days are the day right after the middle of the week and some days come and go and some days never come and some days are the best day the best day the best one is this what fun looks like? this is what fun looks like you are joy
5.
01 may 1994 04:09
i’m afraid of something growing in need of its own love i can’t take you where i’m going in need of my own love there’s nothing but heartbreak in a windowless room i left the door open hoping to find the color blue i had an umbrella on a cloudy day it stayed closed shut, tied up and it never rained in the event that something should happen i want you to know so you can tell me the story of the event where something transpired but i don’t want to know the date this expired i’m afraid of something growing in need of its own love i can’t take you where i’m going in need of my own love there’s always someone else to fill my shoes i guess it’s a good thing buying them already used there’s nothing but heartbreak or something parallel to be in the wrong place it rained but i was somewhere else in the event that something should happen i want you to know you’re written all over and in the event that something transpires i don’t want to know why it all expires i’m afraid of something growing in need of its own love i can’t take you where i’m going in need of my own love i’m afraid of something growing in need of its own love i can’t take you where i’m going in need of my own love
6.
effigy 03:35
i hate my tools the things that i use to cut and carve and convey or at least converge the space as if that's something i can achieve as if the extent thinks of me afraid of the effect of affecting just an egotistic tendency in a state of unspecific whelm i destroyed every inch of myself just to be the one to put the pieces back again picked them up to play the pawn like i said i would all along just to be the one to take a bow at the end translucent complexion, who am i a person of a photo you recognize virtually apparent apparently
7.
i held your hand i held it close i held your hand i held it behind my grinning lips behind my grinning lips i touched the spark and felt it crawl inside my heart, made itself at home i was home at last, locks and windows, home at last do me a favor, catch my breath i’ll see you later, or later, or latest i heard your voice in every sound, downtown, uptown, and back around we went i went you went on down there slowly i lost my way along the way we were going just to be safe i left the rest of myself behind please hold my hand, my hand holds holds on to everything, and everything let’s go keep my head up, keep my eyes shut rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat and rinse the water off of itself i held your voice, it sparked a flame, that no one knew would burn it turned my life into constant puddles, the pressure doubles do them a favor, take a breath i breathe out behind my grinning lips
8.
take off your body parts wash them mixed in with mine red cart to bring them back alive i don’t want you to worry you’re so good it’s true, you’re lovely should have told you every morning hold me tight for my life soft skin close but too far untwine after years in your yard i don’t want you to worry you’re so good it’s true, you’re lovely should have told you every morning you’re my sun and you’re my moon you are me and i am you but i am young and you are too letting go of love is hard to do i don’t want you to worry you’re so good it’s true, you’re lovely should have told you every morning
9.
contempt 03:54
i don’t want to be in contempt anymore but i heard a man ask “what is life without love?” i didn’t think to give it its own name but the question spoke and left me here all on my own selfishly posing all of the problems just so i can waste my evenings trying to solve them i don’t want to want anything anymore but i heard a man ask “what is life without love?” i didn’t have the decency to give it back so the size expanded, my understanding becoming slanted exhausting the orange glow, making it obscure forcing me to swallow the hang ups of my nature i don’t want to be in contempt anymore but i heard a man ask “what else are we here for?” i didn’t know but i didn’t want to say so instead i laughed it off and paid the price for what it costs there’s an implication that it’s not for sale but who am i to imply the fallacy of fairytale
10.
i digress got feelings in my chest i don’t know what’s best for us just yet transgressions transition into forgiveness i forgive you forgive me forget who? who’s present now? your presence in my history fills me up with sound, i lay there i lie there i love there quicksand used to scare me i barely made it to eighteen so where am i now? the midnight train only comes out at 4 in the morning at 4 in the morning i admit i’m not equipped to deal with this i miss the magic and the myth, the stars are burning up turning love into dust into empty rooms, imposters imposing what it means to be brand new news travels fast, a travesty we clung to until the tears had past, i laid there i lied there i loved there everything that we have shared together, i swear i’ll cherish forever things happened fast, the midnight train never came back at 4 in the morning at 4 in the morning if it didn’t hurt you didn’t love me if there’s pain then it meant something if it didn’t hurt i didn’t love you if there’s pain then it was worth going through
11.
i’m lonely so phony it’s funny i’m running i’m jumping i’m jiving i’m right here i’m thriving it’s all about timing it’s nothing but climbing a mountain so tall so tall so tall it’s not like i’ll fall i fall i fall i i fall nto habits, behaviors, and fabrics to hold me when i’m when i’m when when i’m when i’m when i’m when i’m lonely so phony it’s funny i’m running i’m jumping i’m jiving i’m right here i’m thriving it’s all about timing it’s nothing but climbing a mountain so tall so tall so tall it’s not like i’ll fall i fall i fall i fall into habits, behaviors, and fabrics to hold me when i’m when i’m when to hold me when i’m next to you again i’ve never talked about standing straight up i’ve never talked about standing straight up, stable, a two legged table weigh me down weigh me down i feel faint and i feel everything at once a monumental moment not everything recognizes its own demise not everything is an occasion did i learn enough did i feel enough did i have enough occasions if i am always missing everyone will i even notice when i am gone i write like my mother why am i not more reflective am i everything in the wrong way written words are tangible objects i wish you were here to talk people lose touch all of the time would you want to start over again there is electricity everywhere this moment can last forever you if you only count to one a stomach that consumes itself songs that make you cry to feel so separated from everything you are process that’s what this is all about how many miles are in two weeks how many miles are in two weeks?
12.
a letter to the editor i think you’ve read my work before because i wrote it all for you i said i wrote it all for you by now and it’s only been a couple hours or several if that’s how you count from the first time i watched you go for the last time i died when i watched you walk away the whole world ended and nothing changed but look i’m good, i know you are too i said i wrote it all for you a letter to the editor you’ll never guess what i wished for you’ll never guess, you’ll probably kill me but i’ll understand, completely really if you have to see me go i know i’m hard to get a hold of cuz i’ve been held for far too long but not long enough for the two of us but what i said is what i meant i don’t believe things like this can end i could be fine but i don’t want to be i’d rather feel this way eternally a letter to the editor i don’t know what i’m looking for but i wrote it all for you, it turns out i never even knew until now
13.
how come 04:05
i’m gonna be in a single circle i have implicated all my friends inflicted information doubt better left unsaid on a sunny afternoon the socialites took their seats the show shook the rafters but the point stayed out of reach commodity i want to be constructed but not destroyed only self destructed every single night i’m reminded that i’m unknown to know is to become to know is to be home half starry eyed, the other is dead inside how come there’s meaning in everyone else drawing attention on a page with a pencil how come there’s meaning in everyone else routine of sidewalks i’m just testing my limits looking like someone who’s counting the digits if it’s a game i’ll play so eloquently muttered the sounds of a plastic bag in the wind losing its brother life is what you make it lonely or complicated life is what you make it lovely or apocalyptic in a single circle an entire stretch of time a renovation of an era there’s things we all leave behind half dead inside, the other’s just amazed to be alive how come there’s meaning in everyone else drawing conclusions on a page with a pencil how come there’s meaning in everyone else i’m gonna be

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my birthday is this week, here are some demos from 22, a year to remember

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released January 6, 2020

photo by Julie Orlick (www.julieorlick.com)

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thanks for coming Brooklyn, New York

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